AT-AT Baby in '44!!! (by Furey)
I'll admit, presidential campaigns nowadays are getting a little out of hand, starting so early, as the current hubbub about the '08 race certainly proves. However, every once in a while, a candidate comes along that is so important, so culturally resonating, that campaigning must begin immediately. This candidate, is that candidate...
That's right, AT-AT Baby for President! Obviously he cannot run for another 35 years or so, so we've got another 37 years to get this campaign rolling and inspire the people to vote for AT-AT Baby! The best part is, he IS a baby, so when he kisses babies on the campaign trail, it won't be super creepy!
So all you civic minded rebels, mount your Tauntauns and Dewbacks, and rev up your speeders, cause it is time to get the word out. Use the Force... Vote for Change! AT-AT Baby for President of the United States in 2044!
*This message has been approved by the Council for a Safer Empire*
The Annual Erpes Awards! (by Furey)
Yes, folks, it is
that time of year again.
This Sunday marks the 38
th Annual Erpes Awards, the only award show on television dedicated to the wonderful and penicillin-riddled world of sexually communicable diseases!
There are many contentious awards this year, of course, but let’s take a look at just a few, shall we?
The hottest category by far is, as usual, the Year’s Best Sex Scandal.
Debra LaFave and her schoolboy sexcapades might have the most media exposure in this category, but many think the tawdry tryst in the forest between singer-songwriter George Michael and 58-year-old van driver Norman Kirtland might steal the show.
But don’t count out the up-and-comer underdog, the hot-off-the-presses Wesley-Weisz hook-up that is taking the nation by storm!
Now, Paris Hilton may enjoy the Simple Life, but not the Simple Gynecological Check-Up!
That’s why Paris Hilton is walking away with this year’s Erpes Lifetime Achievement Award!
And at the ripe young age of 25, no less!
This honor is only heightened by the contentious and fan-favorite category, Best Performance in a Paris Hilton Sex Video.
Many theorize that Ms. Hilton will earn the award for the sixth year running, but the
Academy of Doctors might finally give the Susan Lucci of sex tapes her due and give out that sympathy Erpe... You hear that, Nicole Richie?
It might be your year yet!
But these are just some of the exciting categories that this year’s Erpes will explore, and if you are feeling curious, you can scratch that itch and join in on the fun! Just tune in this Sunday night for the 38th Annual Erpes Awards, only on ABC Family! Trust me, you’ll be sore if you miss it!
Ask Gustov (by Gustov )
Ask GustovHello there, all you Homos and Englishmen! Gustov here, dealing out all the "pesto" (wink wink...) you can shove down your throat...celebrity pesto, that is! About celebrities! Off to the races...literally!
ITEM! Move over, Jews! Looks like HITLER has a new vice...RACHEL WEISZ, that is! That's right, the star of the MUMMY and the man that brought you THE HOLOCAUSTare teaming up to make babies! Yes, Hitler and Weisz are putting something else in the oven...a bun! Rachel and A-Hit were last seen on the Sunset Strip buying an antique carriage to hold what many believe will be either one of Britain's top films stars or a tyrannical despot that will do his best to ethnically cleanse most of the fatherland. Ooh la la!
UPDATE! Well folks, ol' Gustov, not unlike his attempts to woo a certain young man at the library, has fired one off before he was prepared (note: Hi, Todd!). Yes, it seems that not only is Hitler dead, but he and Rachel Weisz are on the outs. It appears from a sonogram and a paternity test that, not unlike in the '07 Olympics, Hitler was humiliated by a fast, American black man, who it seems is the father of Weisz's baby bump. Wesley Snipes is currently unavailable for comment. Apparently, black men can jump, but their sperm can't dodge.Until next Monday, stay tuned for more celebrity news from your pal...GUSTOV!!!!!1one!!!!
A note from the editors:<---Gustov, a very wealthy, elderly, Romanian gentile man with a penchant for making up celebrity news is now underwriting our efforts here at the Museum. We don't agree with his stories, his politics, or his taste in world leaders, but we did need the money. If you don't feel like selling out is the most important aspect of comedy, you haven't seen Conan lately.
Rawwwrarrr arrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! (by Special Guest Contributor Chewbacca the Wookiee)
Raaaaargh rarr rawr waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarhg ghaaarl raaah!
Rooooooooooahaaaaaaaaaaarr aaaaaaaaaaaar arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl!
Rooaaaaaaaaaarh aaaaaaaaaaaarh rrrrrrrrrrrrroooooaaaar
rrrrrrrrrrrrrororo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar oooooorrrrrrgh
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaah ggggghhhrl!
...rrrrrrrrrrrggghl rargh rur!
Rargh rarf roooooarrrhg!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chewbacca the Wookie is property of Lucasfilm, Ltd and is also a Wookiee. He does several appearances at bookstores across the nation every year, promoting his series of cookbooks, entitled "Raaaargh!" "Rarrrrgh Arrrrh!" and "Irish Cuisine and You: AAAAAAAAARGH!"
The State of the Union of States in Union (by the BM Staff)
Well, just like the Westminster Dog Show or Rupert's Annual Bowel Movement, the State of the Union Address has come and gone, or gone and come, for all of you backwards souls in China. So, what does the President have to tell us this time?
Left: Our Commander-in-Chief, about to assure everyone that their phone is not tapped...anymore. Unfortunately, sloppy untapping requires Bush to communicate with us through a series of super sonic hoots.
Issue #1: Human/Animal Hybrids
Bush expressed concern in his speech about the fact that he wanted no part in human/animal hybrid experimentation. Rather, he'd like to see a spike in people with better fuel economy.
Conclusion: Someone needs to not let him read anymore goddamned Ultimate Spider-Man
Spider-Man, catching yet another beef.
(Huh, why are people throwing beef at Spider-man?)Issue #2: Oil-Hungry America
Bush recently stated that new forms of alternative fuel, such as hampster woodchips and strawgrass, were the fuels of the future, to satisfy an America that is "Addicted to Oil". Suddenly thereafter, a crack-dealer somewhere gave a wag-of-his-finger to the lady sucking his dick. Same fucking thing.
Conclusion: Bush came up with this whole "Alternative Fuel" thing when he ate a bunch of Asparagus and noticed his pee stank.
Issue #3: The American Worker
Bush wanted it to be made known that "American workers were irreplacable, since we can't buy and sell people like we could back in the glory days." Many things went into this statement...facts were not one of them.
Conclusion: ...Oh...Christ, I wanna puke reading this.
Issue #4: War in Iraq (Seriously, are we still there)
Bush constantly insisted that we must stay the course in Iran...oops, I mean "Iraq". Wait...no I don't. What is the point of building bombs if you don't use them on children. Less mouths to feed, too!
Conclusion:
Dr. Bushlove or
How I learned to Stop Worrying and Blow Shit Up.Issue #5: God Bless America.
That's...not as bad as the rest of it. I suppose he could've said "Satan Curse America", which wouldn't have been so white of him. I wonder, however, what his position will be when God starts making Human/Animal hybrids that can only reproduce homosexually. I always wanted to see kitten-butt-babies. Or lesbian-beaverdikes.
Conclusion: We're glad this shit only happens once a year.
This has been a BRITISH MUSEUM presentation
Presidential Seal of Approval
Once Again, it's...MUSIC NEWS TUESDAY!!! (by the British Museum Staff)
Okay kids! Once again, it's time for...
MUSIC NEWS TUESDAY!!!
- It has been rumored that Coldplay frontman Guy That Things He's Sting and Bono's Bastard Child and Gwyneth Paltrow will be having another baby. What's this one's name going to be? If it's anything like before, they'll name it after some random thing that Daddy says...and the BM staff guesses that'll be "Bitch, you are smothering me with this baby shit!"
-Kanye West continues to shock audiences and white people alike with his most recent appearence on the cover of Rolling Stone donned in Jesus' crown of thorns. What'll Rolling Stone be displaying next? Our best guess: Kelly Clarkson getting raped by a dog while eating an American flag.
-Anybody bought that album by Brand New yet? I heard it's good.
-ITEM! Recently, it was unanimously declared that Japanese people would no longer be allowed to make anything but techno music! Statistics report that the country of Japan has done enough in its lifetime to make it impossible to enjoy any real music whatsoever. Wow!
- Lionel Richie should be fuckin' ashamed of himself. He probably knows why.
-The Grammys will be coming up soon. Who will be this year's most unimportant piece of trivial music that will not really have any impact on anyone? Check your local listings and tune in to find out!
BRITISH MUSEUM POP QUIZ!
Which one of these celebrities is trying too hard?
A) Norah Jones
B) Justin Timberlake
C) Adam Levine of Maroon 5
The Answer is:
None of the Above. None of these people is trying very hard at all. Tut tut, Hollywood!
The Purple Finger of Death!!! (by Jimmy)
Above: Democracy eats a steaming load of it...again.So, Palestine held its elections yesterday. What a sight, the thousands of people in a troubled region, frought with turmoil, look to democracy to steer them through the rocks of ruin. How amazing! They chose a leader! A party to shepherd them into a new horizon! And they went with...Hamas. Yep, they chose the terrorist organization that is now calling for a war on the West and on Israel. You figure, "Well, I guess this proves it. These people really need something besides the democracy we've spent our children's futures to give to them. What can we do now?" Well, I got this idea.
See, instead of a party, let's find one guy to run
everything. I mean, the whole shebang. He can bring in his own people...like his sons and stuff...and they can kind of direct the larger power that's coming from the central base. But hey, what if someone doesn't like the leader? Fuckin' tough. Those people should be gassed. Geez, friggin' crybabies. What we need to keep in focus is the fact that we've really tried everything...waging peace, waging war, wagging the dog, and now we give them our precious, limited amounts of Democracy...and for what!??! So they can elect something WE don't LIKE??? Well, I say we give them a taste of a different medicine...a medicine we confiscated from another country when we gave
them the gift of free democracy.
So, World...what do you say? Let's try this whole "One Grand Leader" thing on that little slice of Heaven called the "Middle East". Can't be all that bad? Right?
I've been hearing that this guy's in need of a job...shall we vote on it, folks?
